8/10/10
No one told me that men can have post partum depression too. But I’m pretty sure I’m having at least a mild case of it. I think it’s common enough although it’s not talked about because the female version is so much more prevalent. Or maybe because guys are being strong and not talking about how they’re feeling during this fragile time for their female partners. Well I need to talk/write about it to help me process what I’m feeling.
Lately I’ve frequently found myself close to tears and I’ve actually started crying a couple of times for no apparent reason. I’m trying to understand all of the thoughts and feelings that I’m having in my normal rational way and it’s like I hit a blockade where I can only feel and think in a strange dark cycle. What I feel is terror and overwhelming exhaustion. The feelings wash over me like a wet shroud and make me want to run. It’s like a compulsion that allows me to finally understand the cliché of the father who goes out for a pack of cigarettes and never comes back.
The thoughts I have are along the lines of “I’ll never be able to do _____ again,” and “Why the @#%* did I think this was a good idea?” Yesterday I saw a young couple walking out of Trader Joe’s holding hands and smiling at each other. They looked like they were heading off somewhere to do something care free and fun. I had an urge to walk over to them and tell them they don’t know how lucky they are, and to savor this moment, and to always use birth control. Anticipating the crazy stare I would have received I abstained from aforementioned compulsion and numbly pushed my cart to the car to return to the sleepless zone.
Today on the way home from the lactation clinic I saw a sunburned hipster riding his banana seat bike with his greasy long hair and his tattoo sleeved arms meandering down the sidewalk on the wrong side of the street and I envied him. I bet he was taking his lazy time heading to the record store or going to read poetry at the coffee shop. I bet he hadn’t the slightest clue of what it’s like to have your life broken into 2 to 3 hour chunks of time that are regulated by a newborn baby’s crying, hunger, defecation, eating, and sleeping.
I’ve tried to talk to other guys about this but they just smile, shake their heads and say things like, “Yeah, the first year’s really rough.” The first YEAR? Thanks for that punch in the stomach. Smug guys that have older kids telling me, “it gets a lot better after that first year when you can actually, you know, interact with them more.”
Why didn’t I do my homework more thoroughly before embarking on this adventure? If I were going to buy a new computer or phone I would spend many, many hours scouring the internet to read all of the comments left by purchaser’s of the device I was investigating. I would particularly look at all the negative comments to know what my future complaints might sound like if I were to make the purchase. I didn’t do that. I heard guys say things like “your life will never be the same,” and I knew that sleep would be at a premium. I’ve been sleep deprived plenty before so that wasn’t a big deterrent and I assumed that what people meant by life not being the same that they were talking about all the misty-eyed moments of insurmountable joy that I would have watching every little thing that my son did.
So, here I am. Tired, confused, depressed, shocked
10/4/11
I was looking through old writings to get a feel for where to go in my blogging; it’s been a while since I wrote anything at all. I came across this and I had forgotten all about it. It was left unfinished because I lost the steam to complete and post it. I remember reading through it and thinking it was too negative and that I probably shouldn't even put it up but now I can look back and with a little perspective and I think it’s worth posting.
I definitely don’t feel anything like I did when I wrote this. Fatherhood feels pretty great these days and now I get to be one of the smug guys with the super awesome interactive 14 month old. HA!
I’ve settled into a comfortable routine and although it’s not my ideal it’s pretty dang good. I look forward to coming home from work and getting the excited smile from Everette and hearing about the new thing he said or did. I miss my time alone with Rachelann and that’s something we’re working on improving now that he’s a little older. I’ve let go of a lot of my friendships and I’m feeling the energy to create new ones and to rekindle some of the old ones. I’m writing again which is a huge outlet for me that I’ve been missing.
My goal is to have more balance and to stop living in survival mode. I want a life outside of work and fatherhood. I want a romantic date with my wife. I want to go to a rock show with Pete. I want to go for a beer with colleagues. I want to develop myself professionally. I want to read a book that gets me thinking deeply. I want to go out and take pictures (of something other than Everette).
Thanks to my Dad friends that remind me through their examples that there are a lot of things that I can do and be and have. This year is going to be a much better one and I’m feeling hopeful and excited again.
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