These last couple of posts have generated a lot of great comments that have stimulated my thoughts about the issue of connection or a lack thereof when someone leaves the church. Kaarina commented on this topic on the "Essay on Losing my Religion" post.
Kaarina, I think you hit the nail on the head. The awkwardness stems from our suspicion that someone else thinks that we're a fool for staying faithful or for capriciously giving up our eternal blessings. I haven't had anyone actually verbalize those kinds of thoughts to me, although I'm sure a few people have thought them. I did have one friend who pretty much terminated our friendship when she called to tell me that she didn't want to come to a party at my house with her non-member boyfriend because we had a co-ed living situation that might "send the message to him that that's okay." I didn't argue the point with her and I haven't heard from her since. In all fairness, I haven't made any attempt to contact her either. I have a few family members that questioned my decision but they didn't say too much. We've mostly avoided the topic.
I'm sure there are some who have made a judgment about me and have avoided me or talk about me behind my back; I expect that. I've been a part of those conversations before. They went something like this, "Did you hear that so-and-so is like, totally inactive now?" "Yeah, I heard that he drinks and has a non-member girlfriend." "I heard that he read some anti-Mormon books and lost his testimony." "That's so sad; he was such a nice guy. He had so much potential." "Well, someday he'll come back. You know what they say, 'the man may leave the Church but the Church never leaves the man." Yeah, yuck. On the other side, I've heard people say terrible things about the faithful being ignorant, blind, naïve, etc. They can be vicious too. I think comments like any of the above are disrespectful, condescending, and unproductive. I hope that my comments have not come across in a condescending manner. My journey is different than anyone else's and I did what I had to do because of the unique way that my mind works. I would never wish my journey on anyone that's happy where they are.
To be plain about how I feel; the people that I love the most in this world, with a couple of exceptions are Mormon or LDS apostates. I will always be connected to the Church. There are experiences that involve the Church that I will always hold sacred. The Church catalyzed my friendship to many of you and I will always be grateful for finding an organization that brings so many good people together.
I don't think less of anyone that keeps their faith. I believe that we are drawn to what is useful to us and I was eventually drawn to something that created less cognitive dissonance for me.
Tamara, I totally respect your agency and I get that the Church works for you. I rejoice in your happiness and growth. Thanks for your support in my journey.
Gage, I've never connected the word ignorant to you in any way. I also "understand people best by their actions in the context of relationships." My experience of you in a few different settings has consistently been impressive. I'll never forget the humor, patience, and kindness that you always showed to the difficult boys that we worked with. I'll never forget how listened to I felt in our little chats in the car on the way to work.
Kaarina, I do love you. You are a fine person, full of intelligence, love, and creativity. You are a spiritual person and your faith undoubtedly feeds a very important part of you. I can and do trust that your hopes for me are born out of love. I have never felt anything but love from you or for you. The hope that I hold out for you is that you continue to live your life powerfully, finding satisfaction in what you do and how you live right up to the end of your life.
I want to end this post with a quote from William James' thought provoking essay titled The Will to Believe. James' argument is that if we live by objective evidence alone we will never be duped, but we may never find the truth because it doesn't fit into our concept of what truth is. He posits that since no one can prove that they are right, "No one of us ought to issue vetoes to the other, nor should we bandy words of abuse. We ought, on the contrary, delicately and profoundly to respect one another's mental freedom: then only shall we bring about the intellectual republic; then only shall we have that spirit of inner tolerance without which all our outer tolerance is soulless, ….then only shall we live and let live, in speculative as well as in practical things."
This is how he ends the essay, "We stand on a mountain pass in the midst of whirling snow and blinding mist, through which we get glimpses now and then of paths which may be deceptive. If we stand still we shall be frozen to death. If we take the wrong road we shall be dashed to pieces. We do not certainly know whether there is any right one. What must we do? 'Be strong and of good courage.' Act for the best, hope for the best, and take what comes….If death ends all, we cannot meet death better."
I couldn't have said it better.
"No one of us ought to issue vetoes to the other, we ought, on the contrary, delicately and profoundly to respect one another's mental freedom: then only shall we have that spirit of inner tolerance without which all our outer tolerance is soulless."
ReplyDeleteAMEN!! so beautiful. words to live by.
paul, i want to thank you twice. first, thank you for this post, & your hope for me, & your love. and second, for the time you've taken to write all of this, to let us in, to open a powerful dialogue that brings us all much closer together.
i love your authenticity! you've created something powerful & beautiful here.
Paul, thank you for your ongoing discussion and openness on this topic. I think it needs to be said. I went through a period of inactivity in religion, and it was interesting to see how friends reacted to this. I believe the ideas in your post is exactly what needs to happen with religious views and so many other differences we have as human beings. There is something that makes people want to avoid confrontation, awkwardness, different lifestyles and paths.
ReplyDeleteI've thought a lot about this. Is it from a lack of confidence in our own path that makes us afraid to share things with other people on different paths? There is something about the crowd mentality that makes us feel safe with people we think are like us, but in reality, everyone is so different.
I think life is about differences. I feel pain at some of the comments made about those who leave the church, even though they may have been said in love, and occasionally said in fear. I have seen all of my four siblings struggle with trying to find love and acceptance in an LDS dominated town...when they have been true to themselves, like you, and have decided that this religion isn't for them. Even though I still follow the doctrines, I have a very difficult time embracing the culture because of the things I have seen. But then I also think, people are just doing the best that they know how.
You're right in so many things you said. I keep reminding myself in life that if my comments, thoughts, actions are on the foundation of love instead of fear, then I usually do alright.