An Apostate’s Hopeful Existence

This post was catalyzed by Audrey, Lumina, and Skye's comments on my last post.

In my last post I shared an essay about my experience of apostasy from the Mormon Church. My only objective in sharing it was to let the readers of this blog, who are my close friends and family members, know what I experienced as I went through the psychological, spiritual, emotional, and finally physical process of leaving.

Talking about why I'm no longer a participating member to an active member can feel awkward and embarrassing for both parties. I think that the reason that it's so difficult to talk about is that it's complicated. It's different than asking someone why they quit their bowling league or why they decided to choose a Prius instead of a Hybrid Civic. I can't explain it to someone in a nutshell. It took me at least a couple of years to go from full activity to totally inactive and it has been over a year since I realized that I was not going back. There was a lot that happened and I haven't figured out how to say it in a few words or sentences. The following is my attempt at telling the why; because inquiring minds want to know.

The final decision to leave was not made for arbitrary reasons. I did my homework. I had to, because I didn't want to leave. It wasn't because someone offended me; no one did. It wasn't because the anti-mormons got a hold of me; I have never bothered with anti-mormon literature because it is intrinsically flawed in its motivation to destroy other's beliefs. The books that I read were written by scholars that provided evidence in an objective manner that is consistent with research on any valid topic, not axe-grinders or polemicists. It wasn't because I wanted to drink, smoke, fornicate, or (insert sin here). I am guilty of doing all of those things at different times of my life as an active and inactive Mormon. I currently do none of those things because I'm following a diet that doesn't allow alcohol, otherwise I might have an occasional beer. I'm also a State Certified Drug and Alcohol Counselor and I follow a professional code of ethics that prohibits me from abusing substances. I work in a rehabilitation center for substance abusing adolescents and I take that Code very seriously. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, but I give my best every day to honor my principles and to be worthy of the people that I care for.

My decision to leave was based on what I found when I started looking into things deeply. Part of it was a cognitive dissonance I was experiencing about the Church's stance on certain issues that were incongruent with my observations of the world. I don't want to get into specifics here, but suffice it to say that my intellectual exploration led me to a conclusion that I could no longer believe in the validity of the claims of the LDS church.

Skye, your sadness at the hopeless place that I'm in is unfounded. (You knew I had to respond to that!) I have never felt as purposeful as I currently do, and I am full of hope for what the future holds. I'm living my dream right now. In my personal life I have found my soul mate, in my professional life I have found the path to my dream career, in my intellectual life I have found a boundless new frontier that is rapidly filling with new discoveries.

In my personal life, I am full of hope.

Professionally, I'm engaged in the work of helping the broken become whole every day. I'm learning to perfect that art, and that process fills my heart daily. It is the work that has fascinated me since I was a little boy and I get paid to do it! My hope for the future is centered on creating a program designed to help teens with substance abuse/mental health problems and their families return to functionality. I want to be an expert in my field and revolutionize the treatment modality for that population. I hope to write books, direct my own program, train others to do this work, and to have the opportunity to look into the eyes of people that are getting better every day.

Intellectually, I have been exposed to so much new information over the last couple of years that have realized that I know nothing. I know it's a cliché, but it's true. My attempt at enlightenment has led to an endlessly long Amazon wish list for all the books I want to read. My hope in this area of life is that I will learn as much as I possibly can about the things that are important to me, and that I'll be able to make a contribution of my own either in my career field or one of the areas I'm interested in. My main pursuits right now are the understanding of consciousness, gaining a better grasp of evolution, the psychology/belief in the paranormal including religion, meditation and hypnosis, and a little bit of politics too. In school right now I'm studying the philosophy of religion, behavior analysis, and writing. I'm also constantly studying addiction and all aspects of the substance abuse recovery process.

I live my life with only this life as my motivation. If there is something after this, I have no knowledge of it and I will live accordingly, learning and pushing myself to my limits as long as I live. I have lost my "eternal perspective" in a personal sense, but I have gained a perspective that I want to make a difference in people's lives that will live on. Each client that I help move towards functionality is another person that could spend their life doing something great instead of wasting away in an institution somewhere.

These are the hopes that I live for. I hope I live long enough to fulfill them. I have to admit that they're not as grand as ideas of eternal salvation, degrees of glory, and becoming a God. I'm okay with that. My hopes are not based on the evidence of things hoped for but not seen. My hopes are based on the evidence of things that I work for and discover through my own observations and the documented replicable observations of those who have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of knowledge.

Thank you Skye for giving me a reason to write all of my hopes out! It isn't the first time you've inspired me to think more deeply about something. Thanks for your integrity to the code that you live by. I respect you as an intellectual and as a rare person with a truly open mind. You are one of the most complete people that I have ever known.

Lumina, thanks for relating your experiences and for being honest about feeling 50% bamboozled. I do feel your love and I love you right back. I have always respected you for your honesty. I've told you this before, but I have to say it again; I'm so happy that you're a teacher. Your openness to different ways of being and a multiplicity of truths allows you the perfect perspective to teach from.

Audrey, thanks for validating my story. I would apply what I said to Lumina about teaching to you except that you have the added benefit of Mr. T motivational skills, sucka. I love you.

Thanks to all the rest of you that come here. I appreciate your acceptance and respect. I hope you keep coming back; you're always welcome here.