Awakenings 2

Tonight’s fire circle was a great success and the kids were quiet and attentive throughout. The names they came up with were beautiful and I was touched by the depth of thought that some of them put into it. One name that particularly struck me was “Neaveh" - (heaven spelled backward). I was overcome when this sometimes difficult young lady explained what this name implied and how it inspired her to live a life free from substance and full of family! Tomorrow they get to paint a symbolic representation of their awakening names and come up with “clan” names to replace the tiresome Team A, Team B… that we normally use.

The following is our group statement that we read at the beginning of each group and then quickly share our recent awakenings to reinforce the emphasis of the group:

Awakenings

Awakenings: Recognizing blind spots in our lives and making changes in our thinking and actions that lead us to a happier, healthier, more satisfying way of life.

Group Statement:

In the tradition of the ancient Navajo people, life is called a “walking.” As we walk through life, according to our agency, we can make right or wrong choices, choosing to walk forwards or backwards. Our “walking” determines the condition of our heart; forwards or backwards it is we who choose…nobody walks for us.

We will come together in search of ourselves, in search of our awakenings. By being real and vulnerable, by sharing our feelings, our dreams, and our hopes, we will strengthen each other, gaining friendship and self-understanding. To provide safety and privacy for each member of the group, what we see here, what we say here, what we hear here, let it stay here.

There is only one rule in this group:

Members of the group, and staff, will show respect for one another.

I should acknowledge that I borrowed the part about the walking out of the Anasazi Trailwalker Guide.

I’m still putting the call out to all of you lovely readers that might have ideas or thoughts on this group. I’m also looking for guest speakers to come and help touch the hearts of these kids through your talents. If you could contribute in any way I promise you a rewarding experience. Thanks to those that have already given me some ideas and thanks to all of you for inspiring me with your lives.

Awakenings

This is the name that I’ve given the therapeutic group that I’m leading. For our first meeting we had an Anasazi fire circle… in a lockdown facility.

In the dark room that is usually full of dirty plastic tables and chairs lit by the harsh glare of fluorescent lights we communed by the soft glow of a bundle of Christmas lights wrapped in a white sheet in the center of our circle. They were invited by the tribal music playing softly in the background and a small bit of chocolate that we passed around. The darkness hid the ugly green rehab mattresses that we sat on as I spoke the sacred Legend of the Breezes to my circle of young friends. As we discussed the meaning of the legend we used the hand made talking stick to help maintain respect for the speaker and something amazing happened.

These young hearts were vulnerable and real. They opened up. They forgot about being tough, cool, shy, or funny. It is a rare thing to see and a joy to experience.

People’s hearts opened, their beauty unfolding before us. I felt the long absent spirit of ceremony in my heart. Afterwards I felt exhilarated and terrified. This is only the beginning; can I maintain this? I don’t know. What I do know is that it can happen and I want more of it so much that I feel driven to do whatever it takes to facilitate this experience regularly. I’ve had some great teachers at my facility and at Anasazi. I’m ready, I’m making it happen.

Tomorrow we will have our second fire circle and we will perform a name ceremony for each group member. The names are based on symbols, animals, colors, plants, etc, of their choosing that represent their personal strengths.

I’m calling out to the universe to bring the awakenings to my beautiful young friends…and to me.

Book Review - Peculiar People

Peculiar People: Mormons and Same-Sex Orientation, Edited by Ron Schow, Wayne Schow, and Marybeth Raynes

I just finished this excellent book that deals with the difficult subject of homosexuality and Latter Day Saints. It provides a massive amount of information from the perspectives of religion, science, gay and lesbian people, and their families. It also contains anecdotes from LDS Bishops and therapists on their experiences with homosexuality.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who has grappled with this subject in any way.

Lowell L. Bennion wrote the foreword to the book, which I will provide because it gives a great synopsis of the content and purpose of the book. Bennion is also somewhat of a legend in the Church for his devotion to charitable action. I googled him and found him to be an inspiring L.D. Saint.

Lowell Bennion holds a Ph.D from the University of Strasbourg, France. He served as director of the LDS Institute of Religion adjacent to the University of Utah for twenty-six years and as a professor of sociology at the university. He is a founder and past director of Salt Lake City’s charitable Community Services Council.

“Among many members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints homosexuality is regarded as disgraceful, and those engaging in homosexual acts who do not repent have often been excommunicated.
   It can be a jarring experience for LDS persons to have a son or daughter, a spouse, a sibling, or a friend, one who has been active in their church and who seems to be living a normal life, confess to them that he or she is homosexual and has been throughout life. The confessing person may further tell them of trying in every way to overcome his or her homosexuality through prayers, counseling, and sometimes even more drastic treatments, such as electric shock therapy, to no avail. Such revelations may be all the more surprising if as so often happens his or her life has been characterized by exemplary religious faith and service.
   This book came into being because Ron Schow, Wayne Schow, and Marybeth Raynes had witnessed either in friends or offspring or clients the dilemma of the Mormon homosexual in our midst. They recognized their own lack of understanding and need for more information. They sought not merely a theoretical, scientific view, but especially a human perspective-how Mormon homosexuals feel about themselves, how they get along with their families and associates both in the church and in society. Above all they were interested in the challenge of creating a better climate of understanding and tolerance for homosexual people.
   Peculiar People: Mormons and Same-Sex Orientation begins with personal accounts of homosexuality, how individuals have reacted to this condition, how they have tried unsuccessfully to change, how they have sought desperately to make troubled marriages work, how they have struggled to maintain their religious faith. These personal accounts are followed by the experiences of family members and friends in their relationships with homosexuals. The book concludes with the findings of professionals interested in the scientific study of human sexuality. They are convinced that homosexuality is complex in origin. Some of them believe that there is evidence to support the conclusion that a genetic or biological basis contributes to the sexual orientation of an individual. If this is true, it explains why homosexuals find change so difficult, and it obliges us to evaluate anew our attitudes towards gays and lesbians.
   The editors are to be commended for their labors and their willingness to share their feelings and information.”

I particularly enjoyed the personal essays written by homosexuals and their families. It was inspiring to witness their love for the Church and for each other and to see how people’s views are capable of transforming when they’re dealing with an issue on a personal level. This book is written for LDS people by predominately active LDS writers and that makes it even more compelling to me. These aren’t wacko left wing inactive heretics; I can actually relate to their stories.

This book can be found on Amazon.com and most other book sellers sites. If you’re interested, give it a read and let me know your thoughts.

Fortuitousness

Call it accidental, call it lucky, call it a blessing, or call it destiny, I’m just glad it happened.

Audrey quit her job.

And I get to fill the position!

In the last few months, I’ve had several opportunities to substitute as a group leader at work. I didn’t really enjoy it at first, mostly because it was sprung on me at the last minute, but the more I did it, the more I liked it. I found a venue to talk to the kids from my heart about things that really matter to me, rather than mostly telling them what to do or what to stop doing. I found an opportunity to appeal to their souls and I could feel it happening. About a month ago I started thinking that I’d like to be a group leader and it’s time now.

As I prepare, I feel a spiritual excitement that I’ve been missing in my life for some time. The idea of infecting young minds with a little bit of my personal philosophy that could change the course of their lives is powerful. Many of you have had this experience through formal teaching jobs, parenting, etc. and I'm beginning to understand why you do it.

I’m going to create something extraordinary out of this opportunity. I want to facilitate groups with an opportunity for the kind of magical happenings that I’ve experienced with many of you. I want to have fun, interesting groups where minds turn on, hearts open, and souls get stirred. I know this is a lofty goal with adolescents, but my predecessors Audrey and Emily pulled it off, and I will too.

I want to challenge any of you that want to contribute to helping kids that come from some pretty awful, unloving circumstances, to give me your ideas and your hearts. I have the freedom to come up with my own groups and I want your brilliant ideas. The groups consist of 5 to 15 kids, sometimes boys and girls are mixed, but they’re separate most of the time. Groups last for about 50 min. and can involve art, science, media, and topics related to mental health, and addiction. I officially start next Fri. so I can use your ideas immediately.

My roommates got marriaged!

A few random pics from the wedding:

Audrey and James looking lovely and dapper



Look at all these pretty ladies!



These two didn't get married, they just looked very nice together!

My Thoughts on Homosexuality

This is a rebuttal to somone's response to my post about homosexuality that I made at a friend's request on LDS Linkup. The parts in quotes (unless otherwise credited) are from my original posts. The bolded sections are the responses written to my original post by someone on Linkup. The italicized parts are my responses to my antagonist's commentary.
For more on this topic click the Spiritual Discussion Group link to the right and go to the comments under the post "Calling all Explorers".

"Calling homosexuality negative and evil is no different from calling dark skinned people negative, evil, and not worthy of full participation in the Church."

I disagree. Loving homosexuals and not stigmatizing them is a good idea. But equating homosexual issues with race issues is inadequate and blurs the moral issue of refusing homosexual _activity_.


Ok, maybe I’m stretching it a little on this one, but if you read some of the writings of the General Authorities on the subject of blacks you will find a similar attitude to the one that is prevalent in regards to homosexuals now. Based on some of these statements maybe we could speculate that homosexuals were also less valiant in the pre-existence and the torment of being gay but either having to pretend they’re straight or be celibate is their reward.

"There is a reason why one man is born black and with other disadvantages, while another is born white with great advantage. The reason is that we once had an estate before we came here, and were obedient, more or less, to the laws that were given us there. Those who were faithful in all things there received greater blessings here, and those who were not faithful received less.... There were no neutrals in the war in heaven. All took sides either with Christ or with Satan. Every man had his agency there, and men receive rewards here based upon their actions there, just as they will receive rewards hereafter for deeds done in the body. The Negro, evidently, is receiving the reward he merits."
-Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, Vol.1, pages 66-67

"THE NEGROES ARE NOT EQUAL WITH OTHER RACES where the receipt of certain spiritual blessings are concerned, ...but this inequality is not of man's origin. IT IS THE LORD'S DOING, is based on his eternal laws of justice, and grows out of the LACK OF SPIRITUAL VALIANCE OF THOSE CONCERNED IN THEIR FIRST ESTATE."
-LDS Apostle Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, p. 527 - 528, 1966 edition

"Though he was a rebel and an ASSOCIATE OF LUCIFER IN PRE-EXISTENCE, ...Cain managed to attain the privilege of mortal birth.... [H]e came out in open rebellion, fought God, worshiped Lucifer, and slew Abel.... AS A RESULT OF HIS REBELLION, CAIN WAS CURSED WITH A DARK SKIN; HE BECAME THE FATHER OF THE NEGROES, and THOSE SPIRITS WHO ARE NOT WORTHY to receive the priesthood are born through his lineage."
-LDS Apostle Bruce McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, pp. 108-109, 1966 edition, emphasis added.

"Shall I tell you the LAW OF GOD in regard to the AFRICAN race? If the WHITE MAN who belongs to the CHOSEN SEED mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of God, is DEATH ON THE SPOT. This will ALWAYS be so."
-LDS Prophet Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 10, p.110, 1863, emphasis added

"...[W]orthy males of all races can now receive the Melchizedek Priesthood.... It means that members of all races may now be married in the temple, although INTERRACIAL MARRIAGES ARE DISCOURAGED by the Brethren...."
-LDS Apostle Bruce McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, pp. 526-528, 1979 printing of 1966 edition

"...[I]n a broad sense, CASTE SYSTEMS have their root and origin in the gospel itself, and when they operate according to the DIVINE DECREE, the resultant RESTRICTIONS AND SEGREGATION ARE RIGHT AND PROPER and have the APPROVAL OF THE LORD. To illustrate: Cain, Ham, and the whole negro race have been cursed with a black skin, the mark of Cain, so they can be identified as A CASTE APART, a people with whom the other descendants of Adam should NOT INTERMARRY."
-LDS Apostle Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, pp. 108-109, 1966 edition, emphasis added.

"Maybe after the rest of our culture begins to understand homosexuality we can start accepting and respecting gay, lesbian, and bi-sexual people for who they are. Maybe we’ll even let them be full-fledged Mormons someday.”

While I agree that homosexual tendencies may be genetic, I assert that the choice to be homosexual in conduct is a sin and that preaching acceptance of such conduct is to preach false doctrine, brother. Furthermore, to assume that heterosexuals can "understand" homosexual theory is to assume that homosexuals have a solid understanding of that complexity, which I don't buy completely. If I am hetero and want to understand the homo "other", can I really get an objective answer from a gay theorist? That's an important question to answer, friend.

Yes, brother, I realize that under the current policy homosexual behavior is a sin. I also realize that under a recent (in my lifetime) policy of the Church being black designated one as less valiant, less obedient, and unworthy of all the privileges of full membership in the Church and deemed him unsuitable to mix bloodlines with the chosen white people. Things do change, don’t they?

Furthermore, if heterosexuals want to understand the homo “other”, as you put it, there is an incredible amount of objective information out there. Here’s a really important question for you to answer, friend, have you ever taken a human sexuality class or even read any relevant research on homosexuality at all? You’ll find that the majority of ground breaking work was done by Masters and Johnson, a heterosexual couple; heterosexuals also did much of the other research. Maybe that helps answer your question, good buddy, because heaven knows you wouldn’t want to get any of the answers from the people who could provide a firsthand experience of what it’s like to be homosexual.

A great deal of revolutionary mutual understanding must take place for both homo and hetero followers of Christ to truly call themselves Christian, but your diatribe falls too dangerously on to the side of loving the sin, which is just as evil as any level of bigotry.

I’m not loving a sin, I’m questioning whether the nature of one of God’s creations (homosexual humans) is evil.

"An objective study of homosexuality will reveal a wealth of information that points to the fact that there is an incredibly wide range of human sexuality and that people are born with the seeds of their sexual preference in place."

An objective study of _human affection_ will reveal the same wide range of sexuality, so don't just project this fact through the homosexual lense.

That’s true and it only serves to illustrate my point that we shouldn’t try to make everyone be the same when we’re all created very differently. No homosexual lense necessary.

Regardless of your stance, this fact does not change the law of god or the onus placed upon us to make a _decision_, does it?

I agree, regardless of your stance you should make a decision to love gay people and to give them an opportunity to worship and be a part of the Church in a non-hostile environment where they are not taught that they are evil if they express themselves sexually in a different way than the rest of the “normal” people out there.

It is just as important to not let theorists think for you as it is to refuse the social narcotics of bigotry and hatred.

For the same reason it is also important to not let your religious leaders think for you and to study, ponder, and pray about the truth that is being uncovered by research in all fields. I like to look at things skeptically and find replicable evidence before I put too much stock in anything, that way I back up my beliefs in a way that is accessible to anyone.

For most people feelings of attraction are not a choice we make like ordering off a menu."

Tell that to the billions of married heteros who honor their covenants by choosing to fall in love with their spouses all over again when their feelings change in the midst of the marriage relationship. Though change of feelings is inevitable in any relationship (because everyone changes and evolves over time) they choose to forego their attractions to others, they choose to invest effort in re-establishing those love feelings, they choose to follow God in being emotionally committed to their spouses. It IS a choice, no matter what your tendencies are. Just like the choice to believe Christ. To preach otherwise is false doctrine. To preach otherwise refutes the faith necessary to believe God.

I think you’re talking about fidelity, not attraction. The point is that those married heteros wouldn’t have married in the first place without being attracted to each other. There are cases where homosexuals have married heterosexuals and the results are typically disastrous. There is a choice to marry, and to be committed to someone, there is not a conscious choice in who you’re attracted to. If you tried to be attracted to a man (assuming you’re heterosexual), could you?

"If you doubt the truth of this just tell yourself to be attracted to someone that you find completely unattractive because you’re “supposed to”. Feeling hot and bothered yet? Yeah, doesn’t work out so well does it?"

If you're going to study homosexual theory so extensively, why don't you do yourself (and those you preach this to) a favor and study the success rate and affection level present in cultures which assert arrainged marriages. I think you'll discover some interesting facts that pretty much evaporate the "example" you posited above.

Not only are arranged marriages not necessarily examples of trying to be attracted to someone that you find unattractive, but they are an extremely poor example of marital success and affection. Perhaps you should do yourself the favor of studying the “interesting” facts like the rates of spousal abuse, child abuse, homicide, and infidelity in arranged marriages. Here’s a few links for you:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/392619.stm
http://www.alternet.org/rights/27435/
http://www.idebate.org/debatabase/topic_details.php?topicID=179

Hmmm, maybe it’s not my example that has evaporated.

“Some people have a greater range of attraction than others. Some people will find almost everyone attractive and then you’ve got the Morrissey’s of the world on the other end that find almost no one attractive. Is it Psychological? Biological? Genetic? Environmental? No one really knows… yet.”

Yet you’ve made all these assertions, and propagated the efficacy of homosexual theory dogmatically. I think it’s not only spiritually wrong, but ethically disingenuous to preach this set of values when you yourself are still working out the facts of this tenuous theory. I fear you may lead many astray if you are not more careful in what you embrace as “love”.

I may not have a perfect knowledge of how homosexuality works but I have much more than a “tenuous theory” that I’m propagating. My assertions are a combination of facts and personal experiences that homosexuals have related to me. If you study homosexuality with an open mind and heart you will find the same information that I have. It’s there. It can be replicated and confirmed. In my opinion there is enough there to cause me to speak out and to question the shameful way the LDS culture treats homosexuals.

As far as leading people astray; much better than me have been accused of the same: Copernicus, Bruno, Galileo, Descartes, Newton, Halley, Darwin, Hubble, even Bertrand Russell. They stood up to their respective Churches that attempted to bully them into silence. At the end of my life I hope I can stand with men of integrity such as these that withstood brutal persecution for the truths that they had to offer.

To all my friends and family:

I have undergone a transformation in my belief system in the last year that has been confusing to myself and to many of my friends and family too. My hope in making this public is twofold; first that it will help the people that I have relationships with to understand why I have made the choice not to participate in the LDS church, and second that it will allow me to be authentic about the way I choose to live, facilitating real connections with the people I love without things being hidden or held back out of fear of acceptance.

I ask you to read with an open heart and mind and to realize that although my religious beliefs have changed I am still the same son, brother, and friend that I have always been. I still want to continue my relationships with those that I love and I still stand for loving and helping others. My life is still devoted to the understanding of the human heart and mind and sharing what I learn in my professional and personal life. I appreciate your understanding and I welcome a dialogue where questions and concerns can be resolved peacefully and openly.

The following is a synopsis of my relationship with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and my struggle to reconcile my personal beliefs with the official beliefs of the Church.

I was introduced to the Church when I was thirteen by two engaging sister missionaries that came to our home and taught my family. The missionaries were always excited to see us and they were kind and full of love. They gave me a lot of attention and told me how similar I was to Joseph Smith since I lived in rural upstate N.Y. and was about the same age as he was when he had the first vision. I liked them and I wanted to believe that what they taught was true. After several months my parents decided to be baptized and they encouraged me to pray about the truthfulness of the Church so I could know whether or not I should join too. I prayed and nothing much happened but I figured if my parents (especially my pragmatic father) believed what they were being taught that it must be true. I was baptized soon after and was a fairly typical LDS youth through my adolescence.

When I was twenty I entered the Missionary Training Center and gained my first testimony of the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith. We were repeatedly told that if we didn’t have a testimony of the church that we would likely find it in the MTC. It was in a group meeting where we were talking about Joseph Smith that I had an experience where I became very emotional while listening to my teacher share her beliefs about him. She noticed my reaction and explained that this was the Spirit confirming the truth of the things that she was teaching. I believed her and went on to the field strengthened by the power of that experience. In my first area there was a strong anti-Mormon population and I was confronted with some very persuasive literature about the falsity of Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon. I was briefly upset and confused by the things I saw but after talking to some fellow missionaries I let go of it and avoided anti-Mormons after that. I went on to serve an honorable, successful mission.

Not long after my mission I had some negative experiences with the Church that left me feeling alienated and uncomfortable. I soon fell away from the Church that I had lovingly served and began living a destructive lifestyle that resulted in a state of unhappiness. A trusted Church leader and friend contacted me and helped me move to Provo, Utah to try to find my testimony again. Almost immediately I felt like I was trying to fit into a mold that just wasn’t me and within a year I stopped attending Church. I felt like a misfit in Provo and I began to hate the “Utah-Mormon” culture that surrounded me.

I moved to Salt Lake City which was better for me but I found myself in the middle of the draining “civil war” between non-members and members in that chronically divided city. I wasn’t active in the Church and I didn’t feel compelled to defend it but I didn’t want to tear the Church down either. I still had many LDS friends and family members and I have never seen the Church as a negative. Again I felt that I just didn’t belong. I visited a friend in Portland, OR. and I loved the openness and diversity; I knew I was home so I moved within a few months and have lived happily here since.

Less than a year after leaving Utah I made some changes in my life that precipitated a return to the roots of my religious upbringing. I decided to affiliate myself with a religion again and I had a powerfully emotional experience when I came in contact with the LDS church. I prayed about the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, and felt peaceful and good about it. I agreed with the precepts of charity, love, and forgiveness which it contains, and that was good enough to satisfy me that it was true. I returned to the Church and was an active, temple recommend holding member for about two years. When I started back I quickly made friends and felt a fulfilling sense of belonging, but eventually I started to have problems with doctrinal aspects of the Church.

Some of the friendships I formed were with members who suffered from same sex attraction. Getting to know homosexual/bisexual people caused me to question the Church’s policies on homosexuality. These friends told me how they started to recognize feelings of attraction for members of the same sex from a very young age and that they felt like they would have to either forsake their sexual selves or live in a state of fraud in order to remain active members of the Church. I couldn’t understand why God would create these beautiful, loving people as “morally flawed” individuals. Soon after that I took a human sexuality class that added researched facts to the anecdotal evidence from my friends telling me that sexual preference is not always a choice but rather a part of our identity that we are born with. I also learned that gender and sexual identity are sometimes ambiguous and that there is a wide variation in sexuality that does not fit into the Church’s construct of the family or sexuality.

The questions about sexuality kept coming up and I wasn’t finding any satisfactory answers. This led me to start questioning other things. The more I asked, the deeper the questions got until I was asking about foundational issues like the historical validity of the Book of Mormon and the veracity of Joseph Smith’s first vision. I found that some facts had been changed or omitted in our official Church history from earlier accounts and I found scientific evidence that shows the dubious nature of the Book of Abraham, and even the Book of Mormon. How could this be when I had my prayers answered about it before? This question haunted me and led me to start looking at the way that our prayers are answered.

In the last year my studies have led me to a place of inquiry where I have been seeking the truth in a more definitive way. I’ve decided that feeling peaceful and warm, transcendent, or intensely emotional is not a reliable indicator of truth. I’m beginning to understand the origins of those good feelings and that they are common in many different systems of belief. If these feelings are the best indicators of truth then we have to recognize all the other religions where people have felt the manifestation of the spirit as just as true as the LDS Church. We cannot own the “only true Church” thing any more than any other religion can.

These realizations and my many unanswered questions have brought me to a place where I can no longer be a part of the Church. I miss the associations and the opportunity that the Church afforded me to serve and be a part of a great organization, but I can no longer silently sit through meetings listening to others proclaim beliefs that I strongly disagree with. The Church has blessed my life in many ways but it has also tormented me too. I have had to admit that it was damaging me more than blessing me and that is why I have decided to leave and continue my search for the truth elsewhere.

I have no intention to tear down the Church or to lead anyone away from it and I’m thankful for the blessings it has given me. In reviewing my history with the Church one thing stands out to me; in all the years that I was an active member I never made a balanced inquiry into an organization that I would devote many years of my life to. I never truly “studied it out in my mind” before I asked. I never really explored all the information out there that says that the Church isn’t true. I ignored the things that could lead me away instead of testing them with the same kind of reasonable inquiry I would make before buying a product or making an investment. Before buying into something I would usually check into the history of the company and read reviews (from other sources than the company selling the product) to find out if others were satisfied with their experience. Do most people do this when investigating the Church? I suspect some do but from my missionary experience I know that most don’t. Why? The question fascinates me. It’s definitely not for lack of information.

There is so much information about the Church available in so many formats from so many sources that searching it is daunting and confusing. There are many online communities that provide starkly different perspectives although they all consider themselves LDS and there are many more that are not LDS. In my recent searches for information I have found vitriolic anti-Mormon sites rife with ridiculous lies and compared them with sites that present compelling information on historical and scientific issues of the Church in a factual, unbiased way. I have found forums of “new order Mormons” that hold no belief in the Church’s doctrines but still actively attend and I compared them with forums of “liberal Mormons” that believe the Church is true but they differ in their opinions from the official Church stance on a variety of issues. Then there is the FARMS website which consists of articles written by LDS intellectuals/apologists refuting the writings of those trying to show that LDS doctrine is false. Of course you have the information provided by the Church itself from the standard works to a Deseret Bookstore full of other writings.

After investigating these different perspectives I find all of them very interesting and none of them very satisfying. The conclusion of my investigation is that there are too many unanswered questions about the Church’s historical origins, doctrines, and policies for me to believe it is “the only true Church”. I can’t ignore all of the evidence and just go on the good feelings that I’ve had. I have to also factor the confusion and the “stupor of thought” that I’ve experienced in regards to policies that disagree with replicable evidence that I’ve discovered through school and my personal studies.

There is so much to learn and discover about people and the world that we live in that is factual and holds up to the rigors of science and skepticism. There is much to learn about spirituality that is built on a strong foundation of fact and that is where I’m choosing to spend my time. I want to learn about the brain and how those good feelings that we feel at Church are produced. I want the truth that I can understand and that applies to all people, not the confusing, conflicting “truths” that different religions offer. I guess the bottom line is that I don’t want to live by faith, I want to live by knowledge. I know that it’s impossible to have all knowledge but there is enough for me to learn in my lifetime that I don’t think I’ll ever tire of the pursuit of it.

I want all of you to know that I don’t expect anyone to think the way I do and I don‘t think that my way is necessarily better than living by faith. The decision to live and learn in the way that I’ve described above inspires me and works for me. I hope you can be happy that I’m living in a fulfilling way and likewise I will be happy for you and your life.

If anything that I’ve said appeals to you and you are engaged in an inquiry of your own I would love to hear about it. I’ve realized how painful it is to change my belief system and how disappointing and depressing it feels to go through this process.

Ernest Becker said that if we have a passion for the truth, we shall encounter a “temporary period of forlornness.” He added that joy awaits us on the other side of this forlornness. He said that “disillusionment must come before wisdom.” I feel like I’m getting past the disillusionment and beginning to feel the joy of the truth.

Separating from the LDS Church is especially difficult because active members are so immersed culturally, temporally, and spiritually in the Church that it can be difficult to connect without that commonality. My hope is that I won’t lose the ability to connect with those of you that I love that are LDS, but that our relationships may be strengthened through an honest discourse.

I want to conclude with a quote that sums up my thoughts on truth and a passage from a message board that I thought was relevant to this topic:

It is morally as bad not to care whether a thing is true or not, so long as it makes you feel good, as it is not to care how you got your money as long as you have got it.
-Edmund Way Teale, Circle of Seasons

I found this on a message board in reply to a post made by a woman named Ann that was explaining her reasons for staying active in the Church despite her disbelief in its doctrines. It strikes a chord with me.

I suspect that there are many in the church who haven't ever confronted any of the trickier doctrines or historical issues, so we can't really say that they've resolved those issues for themselves because they don't know about them, they've never felt the need to address them, or they've never found themselves in a forum in which those issues are even brought up. So it would be fair to say that they attend for exactly the same reasons as Ann -- sociality, community ritual, and the opportunity for personal spiritual experiences -- because they perhaps don't have any more of a real conviction of church historicity than Ann does. Yet they wouldn't ever think to call themselves anything less than fully devout.
I suspect, for all of us on some level, the search for "what is true" is also/instead a search for "what 'true' is."


I love you all,

James Paul Bryant - 10/31/2005

Why am I crying?

This is dedicated to all the kids that I've worked with that I can't keep in touch with after they leave because of rules forbidding contact after clients discharge.

Beautiful wounded kids;
some can’t feel
some feel too much

I feel too much
about them
or not at all;

I’m guilty.

I want to write them poems
instead of the banal notes
that I put in their charts.

But I do my job;
I write a synopsis of their day
when I should be writing
a ballad to their soul;
a written recognition of their
art, genius, beauty, punk rock,
humor, and poetry.

Instead I list their problems.
ADHD; bi-polar; oppositional defiant;
PTSD; psychotic features; OCD;
polysubstance abuse; family problems;
suicidal ideation.

I define them by their
problems.
They learn to define
themselves by their
problems.

I teach them to “cope”
with their problems
because obviously
they are broken.
They are not
"normal".

All I can give them
is the grim hope to cope?

Nope.

I should teach them
about their soul,
about how they’re whole,
complete and perfect,
about the possibilities
for their young lives.

Not the enforcer of rules,
but the minister of love.
They need love.
They need vast quantities.

I can only give them
a kind word now and then,
a three minute conversation
standing in their doorway,
a little rec yard chat,
some smiling “redirection”.

Through
teary eyes
pained hearts
parental letdowns
anger breakdowns

I see them trying to:
look right
be a G.
act right
be pretty
sound right
be funny

It’s frustrating
and sometimes hilarious,
but mostly sad.

One girl asks me,
“Do you think I’m pretty?”
I look into her beautiful
sad eyes and I wonder
why she can’t see herself.

She tells me what her
father said:
“you’re so ugly”
“you need a diet”
“you’re stupid”.

She told me about
the beatings,
the abuse.

This girl is beautiful,
so beautiful.
She didn’t deserve that father.
She should be cherished,
celebrated, and adored.

I can’t give her that in 28 days.

Maybe I could give her a spark,
if I wasn’t a coward.

I hold back the things
that I want to say
out of fear.

Fear of saying something
“Inappropriate”.
Fear that someone
will take my love out of context
and twist it into something
weird and wrong.

Care until they leave
then just disconnect.
Easy, right?

I cower
bite my tongue
say goodbye
hold back tears
no e-mail address
won't be there to talk
swallow my love
give one allowed hug
wish well.

Wishing.

it was different
to be true to myself
to be true to them

Would it matter anyway
if I could keep in touch,
give an e-mail address,
tell them that they're loved,
how much they affect me,
how they fill my heart with joy,
how they fill my eyes with tears,
how truly beautiful they are?
Would it help to remind them,
to encourage them,
to keep loving them?

Yes, I think it would.

I hate my job.
I don’t want to lose my job.
I really love my job.

I really love these kids.

They really get to me.

untouchables
with broken hearts
only allowed
a single embrace
good bye
good luck

that's all.

I'm learning Neuroscience!

So, I just found a sweet spot in the student center where I can chill, nap, study, and get free WiFi access; this could be habit forming. I have a nice 5 hour break in between classes on Wed. and since I’m bussing it to school I figure I might as well hang out and take care of bidness.

I’m sitting here with the sun at my back, thinking about the possibilities for the remainder of my education and my future career. I just came from my psychopathology class where we’re going to be learning the basics of neuroscience and how the brain malfunctions with different mental disorders.

We haven’t really gotten into any of the course material yet, but the professor started talking about graduate programs and how neuroscience is the future of psychology and how PSU has the nation’s top undergrad neuroscience program and how we had an incredible opportunity to amass loads of research experience in the numerous studies that are going on here. And, I’m excited.

I’ve always been very interested in how the brain works but I’ve also been intimidated by what I thought would be the memorization of gazillions of chemical names and mathematical equations. My professor told us about the eight class program that is in applied neuroscience, not an anatomy or chemistry program. We will learn the anatomy and chemistry as a by-product of what we are studying rather than that being the focus. He doesn’t believe in memorization or multiple choice tests but rather that his students come away from the classes being able to understand and explain the processes of the brain. Sounds perfect to me!

With the available research opportunities I should be able to put together a great grad school application. He was telling us that with the experience we can get here we should be able to get into the best clinical psych programs. My goal is to apply directly to a PhD program at a top school after I’m finished here. Stay tuned for posts on what I’m learning.

Oh my!

"Po" teletubbie is all grown up and she's pissed! I was cowering in the corner of the kitchen whimpering since teletubbies have always scared the bejesus out of me when James came to the rescue and apprehended the rampaging bird-flipping creature.

Nothin' like a nice Sunday B&G brunch - yum!

Make sure to click on these... strange expressions were provoked by Pete.

Hi, I'm crazy pan-of-biscuits for a hand guy. I got a damn pan of biscuits for a hand; can you believe it?......NOW GIMME SOME CANDY!

We have live rock music in our house, what do you have?

Steve wishes Pete a happy birthday by playing a "folk set" that was more rockin' than most "rock bands".

Chess is a love match.

Pete and Judy playing in the "Man Den"

Pictures of our house for those of you that are far away.

Dance Party Mayhem

Happy Birthday Pete, Judith, and John!


"Yo, I got mo moves than Ex-Lax, baby!"

I'm starting this to document my experiments with love, art, and spirituality.
It was a good day today (I didn't even have to use my AK). A group of us (Amberlynn, Kristin, Audrey, James, and I) had our first spiritual discussion group meeting today and it was.... spiritual. No really, it was exactly what I'd been looking for; a forum to talk about spiritual things. It's something that I've felt missing in my life since I made the decision not to participate in my religion.
My favorite comment was made by Audrey; we were talking about prayer and what it is, how it works, etc. and how a natural setting seems to be more conducive to a spiritual feeling. Audrey brought up the idea that animals and plants may have spirits as well and the idea that perhaps God is communicating to them too. She asked the question "are we overhearing something?" when we're out in nature? This was something that struck me as interesting and beautiful.

I would also like to chronicle the events of the "Brooklyn Art House" as I have dubbed it. This is the beautiful turn of the century house that Pete, Audrey, James, Kristin, and I live in.

So far we have had a couple of events that are noteworthy. We had a housewarming party midway through August which included a performance from the powerful, lovely Emily Potter and several others. The crowd was mostly composed of our LDS friends and it was a beautiful way to kick off the concept of the house. We had a display of art in our in-house gallery and then our beautiful friends performed for us.

A couple of weeks later we had a birthday party for Pete and his girlfriend, Judith. Judith's siblings traveled from all around the country to celebrate the event with us and we partied hardy. We had performances and then an eighties dance party where my inebriated brother showed us how to get down. Very good times.

More events coming soon...